Sunday, December 31, 2006
Sombre Mood before a new year...
some of you may have realised i always blog in the wee hour of your bedtime--morning... i guess having a slightly tweaked sleeping habit does has its advantage, it gives me the personal space i need to constantly reflect on the many aspect of living a life. gone were the days where i lie on the bed pondering over real philosopical topic like why am i here? what are religion for? nowaday, i tend to look at the more micro aspect like, how do i improve myself as a person? how do people perceived me? have i done anything that might offend people? or why is this person acting so strangely?
31 december, this is probably my last entry for this year. unfortunately, i will end the year 2006 on a low note. overall this year has been a good year. as a matter of fact, i feel i have accomplished alot more this year than ever before in my life. so why end such a good year on a low note? cos at this point of time, i am PMS-ing, feeling low and moody. not because i am feeling nostalgic or because school vacation is ending. but i just have this rotten "burnt out" feeling in me, which shouldn't be happening... at least ideally.
somewhere around end oct, i remember telling some smu peeps that i feel burnt out from all the socialising i have to do in school. yes, ty ain't a social animal, and hanging around too much with people tires him out, cos i am a sharp person, i pick out behaviours much faster than others, and the more i see the more delusional i get. somewhere towards the end of the sem, it just tolls on me. i realise i urgently need a break from these bunch of people.
funny thing is, at this point of my vacation, i have the same feeling... i need a break, i want to go back to school... i need a break from the very bunch of people whom i called friends. over the last few days, i realised how elusive i am to many people. i may understand them well, i may be physically there, but most of the time, most people don't feel the connection with me. honestly, i find that quite disappointing. being a strong advocator of individualism, i'll go the extra mile to treat each person that i know as individual, with unique treatment and stuff. but i think that's my mistake in life too. cos i am slightly different in front of almost everyone, no one really knows who i am. bcos i spend too much time trying to give and give and give. no one knows what i really want. such that when it is my time to take, people don't even know.
for those of who feels that ty is really one nice guy, my answer to that is honestly, i know i am not. knowing me is a double edge sword. yeah, i can be nice and accomodating, but on a bad day, i suck to the core. eg... pms. i know how unreasonable i can get on a pms day. i am quite convinced none of my current circle of friend can last a ty pms session and still walk away straight faced. when i give, i give without thinking twice. when i make the sacrifice for you all, you all probably won't even know about it. but of course, that will come as a price. the more i give, the higher the expectation i have. and that is where the problem lies... different people value different aspect of friendship. what i value as the most essential and fundamental may not be what other perceived.
i dunno, at this point, i am feeling totally messed up. honestly, i have been through these phases umpteen times and each time i always end up feeling the same way. the same problem arises time and time again. trying hard to string my fragmented thoughts into a coherent paragraph but i can't. but i'll hold true to my bottomline, as i know many of my friends do read my blog. you peeps are still dear to me. really. i will still give my all for you all and its inevitable that conflict arises every once in a while. for me, when i am pissed, the last thing i wanna hear are endless "sorry" cos it didn't mean a thing. i want to be appease like everyone else, but words to me are cheap. its the action that counts.
posted @ 10:24 AM ||
